an offer you can’t refuse

    April 21, 2005 – 8:45 am ·

    You’re sleeping soundly, confident that you’d made yourself clear to Mr. Corleone: no way that talentless crooner’s getting a recording contract.

    And then you wake up…

    By will | Posted in check it out, humor, internet, oddities | Comments (0)

      laptop thief

      April 20, 2005 – 12:58 pm ·

      You ever had anything stolen? Ever wish you could address the thief directly and point out in a clear and simple style just how unfortunate the theft was and how much you’d like that thing back? A Berkeley bio professor had his laptop swiped. At the end of the next day’s class session he takes the opportunity to address the situation. His speech is a verbal battering ram.

      This is a direct link to the RealVideo file. I don’t know how long it’ll last with all the attention it’s bound to get. I’ve recorded it as an audio mp3 if you’d like to listen to that instead. Click here to listen.

      via boingboing

      By will | Posted in check it out, internet | Comments (0)
      • Hollywoodland

      defamed

      April 20, 2005 – 1:09 am ·

      When a sparsely-read, small-time website gets poked by a big-time high-gloss website like Defamer, this is what happens:

      But you know what the number one Google-strike is on this website? Potato bug.

      By will | Posted in Hollywoodland, internet | Comments (0)

        needle in panic park

        April 19, 2005 – 11:41 pm ·

        The last time I went to the doctor I got a lollipop for my trouble. That’s how long it’s been. There have been some big advances in medicine since those days. Doctors don’t use leeches anymore. Plus, they keep talk of “balancing humors” to a minimum. Yeah, it’s been a while. So today, even though the worst of my recent back pain is gone, I head back to the world of medicine.

        I park in the expensive lot, mindful of what the receptionist tells me over the phone: “They start towing off of Olympic at 3:01, so don’t park there, whatever you do.” Stories told by coworkers about the horrors of HMO treatment keep me a little on edge until I meet the nurse practitioner. He’s a good guy. Very friendly. And he surmises pretty much what I knew all along: somehow, I hurt my back. Take some anti-inflammatories, he says, use a hot pad to loosen the muscles a little and try not to pick up any dump trucks if I can avoid it. And heck, since you’re here and since we’re already getting some money from you, let’s get some blood and urine, too.

        Great.

        The latter is no problem. One minute in the bathroom and, as instructed, I leave the little container on the counter in the hall. I like that they don’t insist that you hand it to someone. I could see how that might get awkward, wandering from room to room asking people, “Do I give this to you?” Instead you’re supposed to leave it on the counter where the nurse can walk by and go, “Oh look. Someone left this.”

        The blood thing is a little worse. While I wait for the nurse to gather all of the necessary pointy objects I distract myself from the impending bloodiness by watching the wreckers towing cars from Olympic Boulevard below. When she’s ready I sit across from her, extend my arm and swallow the cotton that seems to have gathered in my mouth. Don’t panic. Don’t panic. But as I watch her manipulate the gear, the tension sinks away and a keen fascination rushes in to take its place. She ties the rubber stretchy thing around my arm. She taps the pale skin inside my elbow, searching for a good vein. I can’t tell what it is she’s found when she settles on a spot, but hope she’s a good prospector. Snap. Press. Jab. And blood shoots through the tiny tube. I can’t believe how quickly the two vials fill with my blood, which is dark and flowy.

        Then she’s done. I’m on my way, craving a lollipop.

        And by the way, I was kidding about the leeches thing. They still use them. And maggots, too.

        By will | Posted in daily drift, stories | Comments (0)
        • Hollywoodland

        Hollywoodland Part Deux

        April 19, 2005 – 12:01 pm ·

        Curious about the new design? Check out these posts here and here. I’ll leave this one on top for a few days until everyone gets comfortable.

        By will | Posted in Hollywoodland | Comments (0)
        • Hollywoodland

        breaking news

        April 19, 2005 – 9:06 am ·

        Hmm. Seems the smoke is white. A new Pope has been elected. Unless, of course, someone just stepped out on the balcony for a smoke and accidentally leaned against the bells…

        By will | Posted in current events, Hollywoodland | Comments (0)

          Libby Gelman-Waxner

          April 19, 2005 – 12:36 am ·

          Jack asks in a comment to yesterday’s post how far back Libby Gelman Waxner’s famous column began. Those who followed Libby’s funny and offbeat “reviews” might remember that she was revealed to be Jeffrey scribe Paul Rudnick. Her first column appears in the February 1988 issue, which sports Cher and Nic Cage on its cover.

          She has since published a collection of reviews, which I believe is still in print.Does anyone remember when her last column was?

          By will | Posted in check it out, internet | Comments (1)
          • Hollywoodland

          more premiere

          April 18, 2005 – 1:50 pm ·

          The eBay auction is now up. Check it out. I’ve included heaps of pics that I didn’t include in the earlier post, including shots of the cool collector cards and a couple of the big, splashy articles.

          By will | Posted in Hollywoodland, internet | Comments (0)
          • Hollywoodland

          premiere

          April 17, 2005 – 3:55 pm ·

          Faced with another day of hanging around the apartment nursing a sore back, I dig into my closet and pull out one of my collections. It’s an old Sun World Grapefruit box filled to the brim with the first three years worth of Premiere Magazine. Issue number one sports Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd. Issue two’s got Diane Keaton on the cover. And issue three? William Hurt (promoting Broadcast News.)

          I’m gonna sell the whole lot on eBay as part of my quest to get ahold of some extra cash. But as I page through them I’m reminded why I kept them so long. The articles are great, and full of odd portent: this rising star is gonna be huge; that movie will make a tremendous mark; this movie is in the works. Sometimes the predictions are dead right. Often they’re dead wrong. And full-page movie ads for films long-forgotten underscore the uncertainty that still pervades this business, and calls to mind William Goldman’s long-held belief that “nobody knows anything.”

          For example, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II is long out of print on VHS and never been released on DVD. It’s actually a gem of a horror movie that has nothing to do with the first film. It’s hardly long-forgotten, but it’s hard to imagine that it once had a full-page ad in Premiere:

          Ishtar still carries with it the stigma of being one of the worst films ever made, even though those who’ve sat down to watch it realize that this is an exaggeration. It’s not great, but it’s hardly the worst film ever made. By the time this ad was printed, it was well on its way to being recgonized as a world-class bomb:

          The media were obsessed with the film. Here’s an article from the front of the magazine (where they print the short-attention span reading) that charts Ishtar’s lifespan. And check it out, former Columbia CEO Guy McElwaine paraphrases Goldman:

          Movies that seem like important films at the time get coverage that today, seems out of proportion. Does anyone remember the Meg Ryan/Kiefer Sutherland/Tracy Pollan/Jason Gedrick film Promised Land? Premiere seemed to think it was gonna be a lot bigger than it was and featured an article about Meg Ryan during the time of its release.

          The “Cameos” column highlights up and coming creative folks, or reminds us of people who’ve been around for a while and are worth looking at some more. Crystal-clear hindsight makes some of their choices questionable. Anyone know who Megan Follows is? Or remember the film Stacking?

          She’s actually had an extensive career, but it didn’t pan out quite the way the magazine had predicted. This sort of thing seems to be quite common in leafing through the magazines. Remember Emily Lloyd? Phil Joanou? My favorite is Virginia Madsen. Profiled in the very first issue of Premiere, she’s been working harder than anyone I’ve seen ever since then. And only this year (Sideways) has she really made an impact.

          I’d love to see her get some real recognition.

          And check this out. Here’s an example of some of the great little “In The Works” jewels to be found among the pages:

          I hadn’t realized that Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind was in the works as far back as 1987. Took that one long enough, didn’t it? In 1987 George Clooney was in theaters starring in two memorable sequels: Return To Horror High and Grizzly II: The Predator.

          Although come to think of it, I don’t remember those being in theaters.

          Finally, it’s hard to remember quite the impact Jim Varney was making on our collective consciousness. Ernest had just kicked off what was to be an epic string of films. According to this little blurb, his success surprised us even then:

          Anyway, it’s all coming to eBay later tonight.

          By will | Posted in cool pics, Hollywoodland, internet | Comments (0)
          • Hollywoodland

          new site design!

          April 17, 2005 – 12:39 am ·

          Yes, I suppose it’s obvious. Here’s the new design. Or part of it, anyway. This appeals to my interest in simplicity and elegance. Uncluttered. Clean. No coffee stains.

          To the right we have the Marquee, which is a standard blogroll. The old design limited the length of my links list. Thanks to this new design, I can abandon all discretion and toss links about willy-nilly. In other words, the links list will likely expand like living hell.

          Below the Marquee we have the Soundtrack listing. This is an old Javascript file, which I used prior to syndicating the Buzznet gallery. Therefore, the albums are from, like, last year and stuff. I’ll update them soon.

          Then below that we have the Archive list. Whoop-de do.

          Many more tweaks and changes to come as I mess around with the CSS (upon which the entire page has been built,) so bear with me.

          Let me know what you think.

          By will | Posted in daily drift, Hollywoodland | Comments (0)
          • Hollywoodland

          back

          April 17, 2005 – 12:09 am ·

          I’ve been gone a couple days. Sorry about that. I’m back now. But only sorta. I’ve spent the last couple days messing around with a new design for the site. I’ll upload the thing later tonight or tomorrow. It’s the beginning of a site-wide restructuring. I’m sick of the old design, which was really supposed to be a self-promotion tool to help me move to L.A. two years ago. I’m done with it. As I mentioned before, I’ve got the hollywoodland.la domain set aside. As soon as I can fork over the dough to my web provider I’ll be shifting this stuff over there. I’ll keep the sixsquare domain. It’ll have its uses. I’m just tired at looking at my noggin on the home page.

          Rita Hayworth is much prettier.

          The only reason I’ve had time to do all of this is because Friday morning I awake to find that during the night someone had wrapped several tight coils of barbed wire around my lower spine. I immediately get on the horn with my doctor (whom I’ve not yet had the pleasure to meet) and ask for an appointment.

          The receptionist says, “Okay, it looks like we can squeeze you in at 2:30.”

          “Fine,” I say.

          “On Tuesday.”

          At that moment I’m curled over the side of the bed, toes clenched, fingers tight around the telephone, eyes riveted on the carpet. And I say, “Okay. Should I just stay in this position until then?”

          I have to call in sick today. I really, really hate doing that.

          By will | Posted in daily drift, Hollywoodland | Comments (0)

            hospital

            April 14, 2005 – 8:58 pm ·

            My Mom is out of the hospital. She went in on Monday for surgery and got out Tuesday. Today, I spot this piece over at McSweeney’s. Amusingly appropriate.

            By will | Posted in check it out, internet | Comments (0)
            • Hollywoodland

            life savers

            April 13, 2005 – 12:02 am ·

            Now there’s something you don’t see too often: an empty street in front of the Cinerama Dome.

            Today is a blur. Hundreds upon hundreds of new movies, not enough people to drop them into shelves, phones ringing off the hook (“Mezzanine, lines 2,4 AND 7 are for you…”) and through it all this damned ringing in my ear. The pressure has subsided somewhat, I’m pleased to say.

            Oh, and there’s an attempted bank robbery just down the street. The entire city block is cordoned off. Someone wearing a cluster of explosives, possibly fake, walks into the Wells Fargo and attempts to make a withdrawal without filling out a withdrawal slip. On his lunch break, Kirk gets screamed at by a cop when he inadvertenly walks somewhere he’s apparently not supposed to.

            “I’m not being a prick,” he shouts at Kirk. “I’m just trying to save your life!”

            When it comes time for my own lunch break, they’ve saved as many lives as they’re gonna save tonight so they’re pulling down the police tape. Just before they allow the cars back on Sunset, I snap that picture above. Dunno when I’ll see that again.

            Neato.

            By will | Posted in amoeba, Hollywoodland, life in hollywood | Comments (0)

              sunset over sunset

              April 12, 2005 – 11:16 pm ·

              Man, is this cool:

              Taken from the top level of the CNN parking lot.

              By will | Posted in cool pics, hollywood | Comments (0)

                tinnitus

                April 12, 2005 – 12:05 am ·

                At least that’s what it sounds like. I’m hoping it goes away. It’s the end of a long night at Amoeba. The music’s off. Customers have cleared out. I’m heading down the long back hallway in search of a sink to scrub the dirt accumulated from the music DVD section off my fingers. The sounds of the world, all the ambient noise and the hisses and pops and hums of normal life, suddenly fold into a knot and thicken in my left ear. It’s as if a spongy cork has nestled in my ear canal. A metallic hum rises. And although sound diminishes, simple noises scrape my ear drum like nettles. This has never happened to me in such a severe manner. And more than an hour later I’m still hearing it.

                Hmm…If HE can live with tinnitus, I suppose I can.

                I’m just hoping that this early panic is an overreaction, you know like when you awaken in the middle of the night with a mild stomach-ache convinced that your insides are about to dribble onto the sheets. I mean come on. Pete Townshend played in arenas. I haven’t.

                Right?

                By will | Posted in daily drift | Comments (0)