• Cinema
  • Words

Martial Arts Subtitles

December 4, 2006 – 12:04 pm ·

The aimlessness of the blog continues for now. Want proof? Here’s a list of actual subtitles taken from martial arts movies. Enjoy them for now. I’ll tell some amusing tales about Hollywood later. When I shake this malaise.

Dunno where these come from, but they’re presumably “authentic” inasmuch as a certain translation of martial arts dialogue can be.

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. [sic, of course]

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough examination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

By will | Posted in Cinema, Words | Comments (1)
  • Music

Carbon Tonite

November 29, 2006 – 3:25 pm ·

Just one more plug for my DJ debut tonight at Carbon (see previous post.) In case that doesn’t inspire you to drop by, check out this spellbinding flyer:

By will | Posted in live music, Music | Comments (0)
  • Music

DJ Cinema @ Carbon

November 28, 2006 – 11:31 am ·

Gecko

Speaking of excellent DJ’s, I happen to know that there’s a cluster of good ones spinning on Wednesday, November 29th. That’s tomorrow, folks. At Carbon in Culver City. And one of those DJ’s happens to be me, finally participating in DJ Ned Learner’s What The DJ Wants night. I’ll be kicking things off at about 10-ish. We’ll be rotating all night. It promises to be an evening of eclectic music, but all of it should be dance-worthy. Come down and give me moral support.

@ Carbon: 9300 Venice Boulevard, Culver City (map)

By will | Posted in live music, Music | Comments (0)
  • Music

SFX: More James Holden

November 27, 2006 – 12:22 pm ·

James Holden

A couple weeks ago I waxed enthusuastic about the new offering from DJ Sandra Collins. But that was before I picked up the new James Holden comp. People who know me (some of them, anyway) know that I adore Mr. Holden’s work. It’s complex and intricate, and as dance music goes, inaccessible and relatively obscure. It’s dance music for the brain. IDM, as some call it, though “Intelligent Dance Music” sounds elitist and pointless to me. Mind you, Collins is good, but this new collection, called “At The Controls” is a two hour journey through a weird and delicious wonderland. Again, it’s tough to choose a track to post for your enjoyment, as this is a compilation. But Holden weaves a good dose of his own material into the mix, so I’ll toss up something of his to get an idea of where his tastes lie. If you’re looking for a disc to get you through the holidays that’s equal parts challenge and glory, try “At The Controls,” mixed by Mr. James Holden.

Petter – Some Polyphony (224kps mpthree)

Milky Globe vs. James Holden – Sun Spots (224kps mpthree)

By will | Posted in mp3, Music | Comments (0)

    Robert Altman, R.I.P.

    November 21, 2006 – 9:42 am ·

    Robert Altman

    We’ll miss him. Though his career was studded with highs (M*A*S*H, Nashville, The Player) and lows (Pret-a-Porter, Beyond Therapy) he was a force of nature. No one had his touch for ensemble pieces. He was a classic ringmaster, peerless and dedicated to the craft.

    By will | Posted in gone | Comments (0)

      Heresy

      November 19, 2006 – 11:50 pm ·

      Bad blog! Speak up!

      Carlton Pearson

      Okay, tonight I’m distracted by This American Life. They’re replaying one of my favorite episodes. “Heretics” is a beautifully produced piece on Carlton Pearson. He’s a pastor in Tulsa Oklahoma. he runs a church called Higher Dimensions. This installment of TAL describes his rise as an articulate, eloquent and intelligent preacher, who had a vast congregation and a safe, secure place in Heaven. Until, that is, he stopped believing in Hell.

      Nothing packs believers into pews quite like the notion that there will someday come a day of judgment.

      It’s amazing to hear what happens when Pearson begins to preach that Hell doesn’t exist. He’s branded as a heretic, he’s deserted by his pastors, his congregation, his mentors… Simply amazing. One of the best things I’ve heard on the radio. And of course, it comes from This American Life.

      Link to the TAL page where you can stream it, podcast it or buy it.

      Link to Pearson’s New Dimensions church.

      Link to articulate post at Ministry Today that likens Pearson to a fly that springs not from rotting meat, but from the maggot that feeds upon it:

      If you intend to dismantle a cardinal doctrine built on two millennia of church history and Scriptural interpretation, you need more than a handful of witty one-liners. It’s like trying to take down the Brooklyn Bridge with a butter knife.

      I don’t know. Just because it’s old doesn’t mean it’s right. in fact, I think that I’m more likely to question it because it’s old. but then I’m one of the secular skeptics Matt Green suggests are susceptible to Pearson’s ideas…

      By will | Posted in check it out, current events | Comments (2)

        Kiwi

        November 13, 2006 – 11:25 am ·

        I’m just gonna continue my recent flow of single-thought posts. File this under, “Check It Out.” A kiwi realizes its dream of flight. Oddly touching.

        By will | Posted in check it out, internet | Comments (2)
        • keefe
        • Music

        Michael Keefe Reviews: October

        November 12, 2006 – 10:21 am ·

        Hey, it’s that time of month again. Actually, it’s a little past that time of month. Grab yourself a cup of coffee, sit back and enjoy the latest batch of music reviews from Portland-based music genius, Michael Keefe. This week, he checks out new releases by Beck, Frank Black and my own current fave, The Guillemots.

        Click here to check it out.

        By will | Posted in keefe, Music | Comments (0)

          Close Enough

          November 10, 2006 – 1:23 pm ·

          After work at Amoeba on Sunday. We walk over to the lot behind Baja Fresh. Kirk is limping. His foot cramped up so badly on the way down from the mezzanine that he had to sit on the stairwell and grab his toes in agony. We reach my car…

          This is what I get for parking in something other than my usual, protected, blessed spot.

          parking

          By will | Posted in daily drift | Comments (1)

            Suicide Becomes Murder

            November 7, 2006 – 12:06 pm ·

            Adrienne Shelly

            I simply must update that story about Adrienne Shelly. Apparently, she complained to a construction noise he was making in a nearby office. He punched her. The punch killed her. He dragged her body back into her office and set her up to look like she’d committed suicide.

            “I was having a bad day. I didn’t mean to kill her. But I did kill her,” he said.

            That’s the hellish, repellent, and yes, the unbelievable truth.

            By will | Posted in gone | Comments (1)
            • Music

            SFX: Sandra Collins

            November 6, 2006 – 11:33 am ·

            I swear, I’m the only person I know who’s excited about a new compilation by Sandra Collins. It’s not that no one else thinks it’s good. It’s because pretty much everyone I know in Hollywoodland aren’t into progressive house.

            It’s a Perfecto release. That’s Paul Oakenfold, for those of you who are in the know. In fact, wait a second, you don’t even have to be in the know to have heard of Paul Oakenfold. He’s way the hell up there with Tiesto, Paul van Dyk, John Digweed and BT as the world’s most recognizable DJ/Producers. Common. Popular. Commercial. Whatever.

            Anyway, the last Perfecto release by Miz Collins was a muscular, durable set of progressive tracks that I still listen to today. She’s rude and pushy and tough as nails, but man, she puts together a good set. Wish I could post something that encapsulates the set, but I can’t. In fact, I rarely post about this kind of music because there’s simply no point in providing an mp3 for you. The world of electronic house music isn’t so much about the individual tracks as it is about the overall mood of the DJ and the journey on which he or she takes you. So just buy the cd. Listen and listen well.

            Sandra Collins

            By will | Posted in Music | Comments (0)
            • Cinema

            Adrienne Shelly, R.I.P.

            November 4, 2006 – 10:13 am ·

            In the film Trust, Maria, played by Adrienne Shelly, climbs up a low wall, stands straight and lets herself fall backwards. A surprised Martin Donovan catches her. This, she says, is a demonstration of love. Love is a combination of respect, admiration and, above all, trust. The words are Hal Hartley’s, but Shelly owns them.

            Adrienne Shelly was found dead in her office on Thursday. An autopsy is being performed (probably has been by now) but I don’t think anyone doubts about how she died. It was the sheet around her neck. That’s how she was found. So strange. I know her best from the Hal Hartley films that she did. I’d wanted to dismiss her as an airhead actress, but she turned out to be a talented and ambitious filmmaker.

            But for some reason she again climbed up to that high wall and leaned out. This time, however, Martin Donovan wasn’t around to catch her.

            Link to CNN story.

            Adrienne Shelly

            UPDATE: Just asking, am I crazy, or does this image of Adrienne look a lot like the Garbo stamp in the sidebar?

            By will | Posted in Cinema, gone | Comments (0)

              Dry William

              November 1, 2006 – 2:35 pm ·

              Scott Bateman

              Jane Espenson reminds me in a recent post about illustrator and cartoonist Scott Bateman. he publishes these curious, oddly-captioned panels that, while peculiar, never fail to elicit a chuckle. I visit his site for the first time in a while this morning. Check it out. It’s a “Dry William,” courtesy of comedian Bobby Tisdale.

              Link to Scott Baseman’s site.

              And hey, it’s my first non-Nightmare post in a while!

              By will | Posted in check it out, humor, internet | Comments (0)
              • Cinema

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares, Part VII

              October 31, 2006 – 11:33 am ·

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              Wes Craven returns, and in a big way. Thank the Gods. Wes Craven’s New Nightmare is a blessing from heaven. It’s not very good, l and I think that it says a great deal about the caliber of the films before it that I like it so much. Relatively, it’s a pretty nifty film. But I’m more in love with its idea than its execution.

              The idea? Bring back the original cast, not as characters, but as themselves. Pull the audience into present day Los Angeles. The principal players are gathering to shoot a new movie. Guess who shows up to the party?

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              This could have been a really cool self-referential bit of horror wizardry. But it fails, and I’m really struggling to figure out why. It unfolds more slowly than the others, which is a relief. And it feels like a traditional horror movie in its little suspense builds, its moments of off-balance trickiness. And there are bits and pieces of real dread. Craven does a number on Heather Langenkamp by threatening her son (played by the astonishing Miko Hughes.) There’s a real sense of helplessness, of vulnerability, which I think is crucial in a horror film.

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              But maybe it’s too formulated. It’s too standard in the way its presented, the way its shot. Craven knows horror, and he knows how to mount it. But this idea is so different, it demands a new approach. Wouldn’t it have been cool if he had presented it in a crazy, verite style, a fly-on-the-wall perspective using a Blair Witch realism and a hard-edged Exorcist dread?

              Anyway, that’s my preamble. The film itself is not tough to watch. Except for the Sam Rubin part. I can’t stand Sam Rubin. Blech!

              Hey, Lin Shaye makes a return appearance! She played the English teacher in the first film. Here she plays a nurse. She’s the wife of producer Bob Shaye, who also plays a teacher in the Fourth film (see what kind of expertise I’m gaining here?) but she’s probably most famous as a Farrelly Brothers siren, appearing in both Kingpin and There’s Something About Mary.

              I wonder if this is really Wes Craven’s house?

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              Oh boy, now it’s getting terribly pedantic. Freddy is showing up in our world because the world of Freddy–the Nightmare series–has ended. Wes says that the only way to defeat him is to make another movie. It almost feels like New Line is saying, “If we stop making Freddy material, guys, then Freddy just might become real, so…”

              I wonder if this idea became problematic for Craven when it came to determing the body count for this film? Since his principal cast also happens to be his actors, he can’t rightly pick them off. He has to prey on the incidental characters, like the babysitter, who has serious backbone and presence, that is, until Freddy skewers it in a hospital butchery reminiscent of Tina’s death in the original film. Or he has to find suspense in scenes like this one, where her son Dylan traipses across a furious freeway in the dead of night.

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              An hour and a half in to the film and we’re deep into self-referential territory. When Nancy– I mean, Heather–makes it home, she finds John Saxon waiting there. Only now he’s calling her Nancy, and treats her like his daughter. And then finally, in a moment that can’t possibly lift itself above self-parody, Heather sits down in the nightmare world of Freddy Krueger, picks up a copy of the script and reads her own voice-over.

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              After a ho-hum battle against Freddy, Heather and Dylan emerge, victorious, and find a copy of this same script tangled in the bed sheets. Heather begins to read the script to her son. As the credits roll.

              It’s a nice concept. A ho-hum delivery. Not everyone’s favorite, and far form one of the bloodiest Nightmare flicks, but I admire what it attempted, even if Craven didn’t quite pull it off.

              Happy Halloween!

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              By will | Posted in Cinema, Nightmares | Comments (0)
              • Cinema

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares, Part VI

              October 30, 2006 – 2:27 pm ·

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              We’re getting close to the end. Six films in and the fatigue is beginning to take its toll. I can’t get myself excited about watching this one, but I slide the disc in and kick back with a bottle of Delirium Tremens. The New Line logo does its thing…

              Okay, we’re already guilty of hubris. The opening credits haven’t even begun and we’re already quoting Freddy Krueger alongside Nietzshe. And then a massive Wizard Of Oz reference. And finally “Night On Disco Mountain” …er, a Mussorgsky reference. I don’t remember the name of the original piece. So as Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare gets underway, we’re in full borrow mode. Hey, at least we have Lisa Zane and Breckin Meyer and Yaphet Kotto.

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              Man, I love Yaphet. Especially in the 70’s. Alien, Blue Collar, Live and Let Die… Love him.

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              Rachel Talalay directs this one. And she gets story credit. So let’s lay the blame on her doorstep shall we? Are we going into this with low expectations? I would say so. Talalay has been producing Nightmares since, well, the beginning. Here’s the pedigree: Assistant Production Manager, Production Manager, Line Producer, Producer… and then she took a movie off, only to return as director for this one. Finally, screenwriter? Michael De Luca. And you know what? So far it’s not terrible. Already, I’m liking the dialogue. Not too on the nose. Not too dumb.

              Oh never mind. Now it’s terrible. Rosanne and Tom Arnold make a rather horrific appearance. What the hell is going on here? And now Tom Arnold. Seriously, I’m confused. What is this movie about?

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              “We’re in Twin Peaks here,” says Breckin Meyer. And my god, I’m beginning to wonder if De Luca was just trying to channel David Lynch. Doesn’t he realize Lynch is in a universe all his own?
              Minute twenty six. This is a horror movie, right? A horror movie is supposed to be scary, right? Oh wait, here we go. Carlos is asked for the map. And it turns out the map is way bigger than it’s supposed to be.

              Now THAT’S scary.

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              “Freddy had a kid. Freddy had a KID!” This is plot point one. But then, didn’t we cover that during the last movie? And didn’t that kid belong to Lisa Wilcox? In fact, where is Lisa Wilcox? I miss her.

              Okay. Remember how I said way back in the second installment of this series how the most un scary horror scene ever was that one where the budgie went berzerk? I take it back. Compared to the video game nightmare sequence that kicks off at minute 43 of this film, the parakeet from hell sequence is pure terror. In fact, compared to this scene, the birdie rabies sequence in the second film is like the entire Exorcist wrapped up in a single flurry of tiny wings.

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              “Every town has an Elm St.!” crows Freddy. Seems he wants to start all over again. And now he can do it, thanks to is daughter, Lisa Zane. Oh, whoops. Did I let the cat out of the bag? Yeah, right. Like you were gonna watch this one. Lisa Zane is his real daughter. Makes perfect sense when you think about it. In the last one he had a kid by infecting the dreams of Lisa Wilcox’s baby. On this one, he actually HAS a kid. Right?

              “The dream people gave me this job,” says Freddy.

              “Huh?” says everyone else.

              I’m confused. Maybe what they’re saying is– Oh hell. There’s the cue. It’s time to put on my 3-D glasses.

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              Now I’m sitting on my floor, face fifteen inches from my television, looking desperately for a hint of depth in the finale. Lisa Zane faces Freddy. They battle back and forth. Some strange slugs show up. I’m so focused on the 3-D stuff that I’m no longer paying attention to the plot.

              I do like this one image. Talalay has the camera swirling around the two antagonists as they spit insults and reveal truths about each other. Nice lighting. Nice motion. And that’s about it. I like the image. I wish it were in a better movie.

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              And then it’s all over. There’s an explosion. Freddy is blasted to smithereens, we’re treated to one last ridiculous 3-D effect and Lisa Zane is told she can take off her glasses. Another ninety minutes gone. Another cluster of teens picked off. And Freddy Kreuger, apparently, is dead. New Line kills off its franchise.

              Seven Nights, Seven Nightmares

              Up next, resurrection? Wes craven returns and breathes a kind of life back into the series ten years after it began.

              By will | Posted in Cinema, Nightmares | Comments (0)